Serenity
by DarkHorse1
Summary: All right. Aoshi's meditating, Misao comes in, and Aoshi lets some stuff slip. He's under duress, mind you. Angst and more angst. Songfic.


DarkHorse says: It's another bloody songfic!

                                                Serenity

            I sat in the temple, as usual, wallowing in my own self pity.  Never mind that I had promised Battousai that I would come home.  Oh, I was home, in body, but not in soul.  I couldn't shake the cold depression I had settled myself in during the entire Shishio fiasco.  It was of my own making, and I knew it.  Sometimes, after hours of meditating, I would snap awake, my vision tunneled and my breathing rapid.  
            I want out.

            Out of this dark hole.  Hell.  Hole. Whichever, both.  I don't care.  Battousai was right.  I was hampered by my own weak will.  I needed help, and I hate that.  It wasn't like I couldn't ask someone.  They all would help.  Shiro and Kuro, Omasu and Ochika, Okina and…

_As I sit here and slowly close my eyes  
I take another deep breath  
And feel the wind pass through my body  
I'm the one in your soul  
Reflecting inner light  
Protect the ones who hold you  
Cradling your inner child_

And Misao.  Her child-like effervescence was the only thing that brought light and warmth to my cold prison.  I hated that, too.  I would corrupt her, bring her down with me.  I wouldn't allow that.  I…

Enough of that.  I settled into my normal meditating routine, clearing my mind of everything.  There were no strengths and weaknesses here.  Just emptiness._  
  
I need serenity  
In a place where I can hide  
I need serenity  
Nothing changes, days go by_

I felt Misao come in a few minutes, possibly hours, later.  I tend to lose track of time here.  She sat quietly across from me, content to wait it out.  I admired her for that.  

I'm neither stupid nor blind.  I know how she feels about me.  I can't say I know how deep her feelings go, however.  I've tried to shut down that entire part of my mind.  

I will not love her.

_  
  
Where do we go when we just don't know  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
And when will we learn to control_

That's a lie, of course.  I already do.  I have, for a long time. She tries so hard to reach me.  She's the help that I won't allow myself to ask for.  She does it without question or hesitation.  I would have smiled at her devotion, but we all know I can't anymore.  Can't, or maybe won't.  I don't think I've truly smiled since…

Oh no.  I don't want to think about it.

But the memories came anyway.  Me, in Kanryuu's estate.  That sniveling dog's "lackey".  I suppose I need to thank the Battousai for taking care of that for me, but I don't really hate Kanryuu.

More like I hate myself.  For allowing us to get caught up in his mess._  
  
Tragic visions slowly stole my life  
Tore away everything  
Cheating me out of my time  
I'm the one who loves you  
No matter wrong or right  
And every day I hold you  
I hold you with my inner child  
  
_

The images came in a flurry then, like the floodgates opened.  Getting shot by Kanryuu, and forced to my knees.  Watching as Shikijo jumped in front of more bullets.  Hyottoko charging in and also getting shot, then Beshimi leaping off his back.  He got one tack in before he was shot.  And finally, Hannya, sacrificing himself so the Battousai could grab his sword.

I sat there, knowing Kanryuu was out cold, knowing my men were dead, and knowing that the Battousai had gone on to rescue Megumi Takani. 

It didn't matter.  None of it mattered anymore.  They were dead.  All of them.  My hands clenched, my fingernails drawing blood even through the gloves.  I screamed.

_  
I need serenity  
In a place where I can hide  
I need serenity  
Nothing changes, days go by_

Misao jumped.  I screamed out loud.  She was instantly by my side.  It had happened again.  My peripheral vision was gone, replaced by a black haze, and I couldn't slow my breathing.  I was scaring Misao.

"Aoshi-sama!  Aoshi-sama!  What happened?  Are you all right?"

No.  Absolutely not.  "I'm fine.  Just a dream."  I calmed a little, that evil haze was gone, and my breathing was slower, but still shaky.

"Fine, my ass!"

I looked over at her, surprised.  She never used that language around me.

"Yeah, you heard me!  Why don't you just say something?  I can handle it.  If it's about Hannya and the others, I want to know.  Himura told me how they died protecting you, but you haven't said anything about it!  Please, Aoshi-sama, tell me!"_  
  
Where do we go when we just don't know  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
And when will we learn to control  
  
_

I really should, but how would she react to… "Misao…I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No."

"YES YOU CAN!"

If I had been any other man, I would have flinched away from her.  But I couldn't let my mask slip.

"I want to help you, Aoshi-sama.  I know you're trying to protect me, but who's going to protect you if you don't let anyone in?"

It couldn't hurt right?  Just a little.  "I…I didn't bury them."

"What?"

"I didn't have time.  I was hurt."

"Himura said…"

"Well, he lied.  They have grave markers, but their bodies aren't in them."

"Then what…?"

This was the hard part.  "Just the heads."

Silence.__

_  
Where do we go when we just don't know  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
And when will we learn to control_

I knew it was a mistake to tell her that. 

Then her arms were around me and she was crying into my shoulder.  "Oh, Aoshi-sama, why didn't you tell me sooner?  You didn't have to carry this alone."

"I carried them alone."

She cried harder.  "Damn you, Aoshi!  Why, why?  You can talk to me!  I love you!"

There it was.  Out in the open.  And here I sit, like some sort of statue, letting the woman I lo…ve…

My arms slowly came up and around her, lightly.

And suddenly, I knew I could do this.  I could let her love me and I could love her.  She had taken the news of me defiling her comrades and still she loved me._  
  
I need serenity _

_I need serenity_

_I need serenity_

_I need serenity_

            I am not a crying man.  I don't intend to be one.  But…

            "Misao."  She looked at me through tear filled eyes.  "Misao…A-arigatou."

            And I smiled at her.

DarkHorse says:  Holy shit, Aoshi is one hard bastard to write in first person.  My apologies if he's a little OOC.  I know in the anime Aoshi buries the Oniwabanshuu, but if you've read the manga, you know that he cuts off their heads and leaves the bodies.  That was one of the creepiest things I've ever seen.  Oh yeah, the song is "Serenity" by Godsmack off their new CD "Faceless".  Go out and buy it right now!


End file.
